The Power of The Pizza Test: Part II (Featuring Dr. Bob)

Warning: Before you take in the following information, please keep in mind that the material is mildly explicit. If you intend on reading further, it's highly suggested that you proceed with a non-judgmental mindset as well as a sense of humor.

With that said, today we're going to introduce Dr. Bob to Sprezz Central. As far as dating is concerned, he's "been there and done that". He's graduated from the dating scene but is more than happy to share his pearls of wisdom.

After much debate about the true nature of the pizza test, it is time for Dr. Bob to weigh in.

Dr.Bob: While I agree that a woman's reaction after learning that she will be having pizza when she fully expected filet mignon can hint at the type of woman that you are dealing with, her behavior at the pizza parlor is a much better indicator.

Pizza should be enjoyable at any time, regardless of what your expectations were. So let’s assume that your woman is open to the more laid back date and you head to your favorite spot for a few slices. There are many factors to consider in assessing your date’s true identity. To begin with, we have to acknowledge that there are plenty of variables, such as salads, wraps, subs, etc. Then there's "exotic" pizza with buffalo chicken, cheese steak... even baked ziti.

For this discussion, let's keep it simple and stick to traditional pizzas with the usual suspects as toppings. Most places offer plain, Sicilian and some sort of white slice. Don't try and make the argument that Hawaiian pizza is normal, thinking that everyone likes pineapple and ham on their slice. If you really want an assessment on exotic pizzas, I'd have to write a separate piece because that appeals to a totally different pallet.

Now…

You can typically begin to judge your date based on her excitement level as you enter the pizza place. Is she like me, a kid in a candy store? Does she look at the pizza and the toppings with genuine enthusiasm? Does she look to order multiple slices because she likes it all or does she just opt for one plain slice? Be aware that some women can deceive you by seeming excited about all the options and then they end up taking the notorious route of the single plain slice.

We, as men, must read through these signals.

I cannot stress enough that a big red flag is the woman who orders just the single plain slice! In my vast experience, I can assure you that this woman is extremely self-conscious and is probably the type that not only dabs the oil off the top but will also avoid eating the crust. This behavior is simply NOT acceptable!!

As a matter of fact, you should immediately decide to go Dutch. She's not worthy of the $1.50 that you are about to spend. Rest assured that your conversation will entail her "feelings" about eating the slice and how she'll have to get to the gym tomorrow.

Remember, according to the original theory, this is the third date. In this day and age, by date 3, some heavy petting should be taking place....except in the situation where your date orders a single slice. She'll probably be disgusted with herself and might not be feeling so sexy afterwards... AKA no sexy time romance for you my friend!!!

With this path, the relationship is doomed for "friendship" as you try and convince her that she looks great and can eat 4 slices, guilt free! You can try all you want but it will only lead to some story about her ex as she pretends not to be bitter about "that skinny bitch" that he's currently dating. Meanwhile, the whole time you're secretly praying that the date ends quickly... Even welcoming the thought of choking to death on your own (non-plain) slice just to escape her self-deprecating banter!!!!

Incidentally, the single plain slice species will often cut their slice with a fork and knife. There is not a chance in hell that she'll fold her slice as she tries to be civilized, a la George Castanza and the snickers bar. Again, she is too self-conscious to let her hair down a bit and get a little sloppy! That is part of the fun of eating pizza. Lighten up!!!

As an exception, if the date is cool enough to order a Sicilian slice, the fork and knife can then be tolerated. After all, the Sicilian slice is not as flimsy and the girth of the slice will make cutting a bit more acceptable. I personally enjoy when the Sicilian slice is cut into smaller pieces and then consumed with the hands!

One must appreciate a date who can be creative in her choice of toppings with the exception of anchovies. Anyone who orders anchovies on a pizza is a disgusting individual and can never be trusted. Look for a woman who is not afraid to mix sausage and olives or go for the white slice with broccoli. They tend to be a bit more adventurous!!

A big bonus goes to the woman with wanton disregard for the after effects of garlic or the onion. You can assure yourself of a "slice" later on, as this date's so cool that she won't freak out about her breath. Her decision shows that she is very comfortable with herself and with you. Besides, she knows the deal. She'll most likely make a flirtatious joke about what might happen later on in the date (ie, "No one is going to want to kiss me later") CHA CHING!!! This will probably lead to you heading out for a few drinks after the pizza and get sloppy drunk too. Such a date will bring lots of laughs and memorable moments.

Another huge bonus goes to the date who is open to sharing a whole pie. This is a bonding experience in itself, as you will truly be breaking bread together. Just keep in mind that you both have to agree on the type of pizza you want. There are many options and being able to navigate through the maze of toppings is a clear indicator of how agreeable you are.

Will you choose sausage, pepperoni, peppers, onions, mushrooms, or olives? How about throwing it all on? Do you get half of one type and half of another? Some of the options will be easy and others will be more difficult, but if you can come together and make the pie work, you are headed in the right direction and again, your chances of a late night "slice" are drastically increased!

In summary, remember to choose your "slice" wisely or else you will be headed straight to the friends zone, and a boring friendship at that. Regardless of what happens, keep in mind that pizza is very much like sex… even when it’s not that good, its still not that bad!! Enjoy.

... Catch more Sprezz Central on Monday.