Opening Weekend: Double Feature! (with Dr. Bob)

TWO PART special to help you get through Friday... It's GOOD vs. EVIL as Dr. Bob and I compare thoughts on opening weekend at the movies. There's explicit content and if you're an e-mail subscriber, avoid reading this on your blackberry- it's lengthy and you'll miss out on the pictures.

Steve: I love catchin a hyped up movie on opening weekend (like Funny People which comes out today). A lot of people get turned off by the hassle of locking down tickets and the ultra competitive seat selection, but I think it’s worth it. You don’t want to be the guy that shows up 3 weeks late to the draw… Here’s why opening weekend is a thing of beauty:

First off, there’s a buzz in the crowd… It’s like being at a concert. Everyone is thrilled to be there and ready for some fun. You hear the whispering, there’s always someone speaking to their friends and sharing inside information on action behind the scenes, “I heard this” or “I heard that”. It really builds up the excitement. It’s the perfect foreplay.

Then, there are the coming attractions which are always top notch and up to date. Who doesn’t love giving their personal grades (like they matter)? “I'll tell ya, this shit’s not gonna fly… another romantic comedy with McConaughey? Really, this is what we need?”



The bottom line is that simply by watching during opening weekend, you’re part of the magic. The crowds’ laughs are your laughs. You're in it together from start to finish. That’s why we still show up to these things instead of ploppin’ on the couch for some HBO on Demand. It's more fun.

Just keep in mind, that unlike in real estate where it’s “Location, Location Location…”, on opening weekend it’s “Time, Time, Time…”

I simply can’t support attending showings that are between 5-8PM. Seriously... What’s with the early bird special, Gertrude? At the same time, PLEASE don’t join the 1130PM and later crowd. Something about this slot just kinda screams out “Prostitutes and drug dealers.”

You want to stick in the 9-11PM territory. Not only does it bring in the best crowd, but there’s still plenty of time left over for post-movie binge drinking! That’s Sprezzatura.

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And now Dr. Bob's take on opening night. Remember, it's explicit. Don't take this too seriously, it's only for entertainment.

Dr. Bob: Opening night at the movies is one of the most over-rated and aggravating experiences you can encounter. The basis of my judgment is due to volume. The more people, the more things that can go wrong.

We all have our gripes about the movie theater, but on opening night you find a bit of everything. I don't know where to fucking begin. Should I start with no parking spaces and long lines or do I jump right into the theater where the real trouble begins?



Let’s chose the latter. First off, there’s the prick that shows up 8 hours early just to reserve three rows of seats for his fuckhead friends who don't arrive until 11 minutes after the movie starts......

Despite the fact that the place is packed and people are scrambling for somewhere to sit, this seat saving jerkoff has his jacket occupying one chair, his leg on another, and his shoes taking up 2 more! Will this douche bag catch a case of the fucking pig flu and die already? (I'm sorry, that was rude to the pigs. Catch the H1N1 virus).

At some point during the movie, without fail, someone will answer their phone and have the balls to carry on a prolonged conversation. But don’t worry, it's only a matter of time before they're drowned out by the assholes who always shout at the screen, giving advice to the fictional characters! Here's some advice, turn off your phone and choke on a fucking twizzler!



Let's not forget about Casanova in training that goes to the movie just to try and "butter" his girlfriend’s popcorn. Listen, I’m all about getting some action, but this is opening night and I’d rather watch the movie than be distracted by your dumb ass. Bang her in the car like a civilized human being.

I’m not done yet. What about the girl who takes a sip of her soda and yet somehow has to piss 8 fucking times? How is that even possible!? Of course, she never thinks to anticipate this chronic problem. Nope, she plants right down in the middle so that everyone else has to get up 16 times just to let this "dime store hewer" pass! Buy some adult diapers, you're gonna be wearing them in a few years anyway!

Then, on her return from the pisser, she complains about how she’s cold or that she can't see past the fat fuck in front of her who just showed up 11 minutes late and happened to have a reserved seat. This guy sucks too. He keeps buying more food so you’re forced to clear the way for him in between bladder girl's trips to the bathroom. I’m just praying that he doesn't have a heart attack. After all, I just spent 12 bucks on my ticket and they better not stop the movie just so the medics can come in and wheel his fat ass out the door!

But it gets worse. The movie finally ends and you realize it didn't live up to the hype. Now it's time for the battle of the morons. You've got the crew that just HAS to wait until the final credits vs. the people haulin' ass like the place is on fire! Fuck every single one of you.

I hate the movies, especially on opening night.......next time stay home, get pay-per-view, and butter your own pop corn.....if you know what I mean.

(If you liked today's post, show some love and pass it on to a friend/coworker who might also enjoy. Thanks)

Thanks For Being So Clutch, Ari!

Let's talk Entourage. There's no denying that Vince, Turtle, E and Drama live it up and keep us entertained each week. But come on, the truth is that Ari Gold brings the real goods.

Ari has 'the Joker effect'. What do I mean? In Dark Knight, whenever Heath entered the screen, you couldn't look away. His performance was so captivating that you almost you wanted to fast forward through the scenes until his next appearance. Watching Ledger, it was clear that you were witnessing greatness.

Well, Ari’s the Joker of Entourage. At first, it was fun watchin him tear it up and chuck out phrases like "Let's hug it out, bitch." He was a new character that kinda took us by storm. Then, with each successful season, our anticipation grew. We craved more of the witty sarcasm. What was he gonna hit us with next?

That's a ton of pressure and yet Mr. Gold has ALWAYS delivered. I can't think of one episode where Ari didn't bring his "A game". With that said, let's not take his hard work for granted.

Here are 5 quick quotes that we've enjoyed (credit should probably go to the writers but Ari's delivery was perfect):

Ari Gold: It’s like high school. You can’t fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers!
Ari Gold: Fuck the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-fuck, don’t answer!
Ari Gold: Tell Drama he’s on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my cock!
Ari Gold: You fire a guy, you create a rival. You fire a woman, you create a housewife.
Ari Gold: Call me Helen Keller because I’m a fucking miracle worker!

... Stay classy Ari, and thanks for being so clutch!

Office Arsenal

Check out the following article from the guys at Cracked. It's all about stuff that we could really use around the office. They did a great job, enjoy!



Click here to check it out!

What's Up with True Blood?

A few weeks ago, I heard that True Blood's season 2 premiere earned HBO it's highest ratings since Sopranos threw in the towel. I couldn't believe it. Come on, really? That weirdo vampire show??



With all the buzz, I skeptically decided to give the Sunday nighter a shot. Armed with my kettle korn popcorn, I plopped on the couch and caught the 90 minute season 1 catch-up episode.

Well let me tell ya, I've been hooked ever since. True Blood's definitely got something. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where an old married couple observes Kramer's portrait (great episode, btw):

MR. ARM:I see a parasite.
MRS.ARM:A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges.
MR. ARM:He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away.

Let's be clear, plenty of people will be freaked out by the show's graphic content. But if you can stomach it, True Blood dishes out some apricot jelly. Each episode breaks down to 60 minutes of non-stop suspense that's guaranteed to satisfy man's primal urges of bloody violence and hot, steamy sex.

... Ya know, with a few story lines tossed in along the way.

Click to Enlarge Image!

The Sprezz Handbook: Page 6

Wheeled Luggage Carriers- Pay attention because this is important and needs to be addressed. Along with carrying wheeled luggage, comes the responsibility of being extra alert!

Nobody likes the oblivious WLC that spreads terror by sweeping out the legs of unsuspecting pedestrian traffic around them. They always kinda just barge from out of nowhere in a mad rush to their destination while showing complete disregard for any victims they bulldoze over along the way!



We should take a page from the bike riders and institute a WLC hand signal system... Better yet, it wouldn't hurt to make 'em pass a drivers test. That's right, there should be a wheeled luggage carrying test. If you ask me, these assassins of the ankles should have to earn a license before they're let loose.

Watch where you're going... or else just push the bag ahead of you. That's Sprezzatura.

The Mass Facebook Bday Invite

Yesterday, on my lunch break, I felt the phone vibrate. Turns out I had gotten the ol’ mass Facebook invite to an acquaintance's birthday. Not a great friend or a complete stranger, but someone in that grey area.

Whenever it comes to the mass Facebook invite from someone I rarely speak to, the first thing that I do is take the friend test. I check out how many invites were sent out.

If were talking less than 50… I must be special.
Around 100… It's still nice to make the cut.
At 150 I feel like a small fish in a big pond.
When there's triple digits, well, that’s when I'm pretty sure they're not bankin' on my appearance.

Why do people take this route? Any birthday I’ve attended usually breaks down to the person’s good friends anyway. Sure, if you’re luring guests with free bottles and drunk reckless women then that's gonna boost the turnout (no complaints here) but you get the point.

From my standpoint, it's frustrating to think “I know this will probably be a fun time but I haven't spoken to the host in years. Technically, I've been invited. Should I drop by? Maybe I can call just to say hi and bring up the topic mid-convo... I’ll feel out their temperature. Yea, that might work.”

But it never does. I never feel completely comfortable. The mass Facebook invite, if used alone, is impersonal and the lazy way of doing things. On the other hand, if the host were to pick up the phone for a follow up call, now that would be Sprezzatura.

(If you liked this post, show some love and pass it on to a friend/coworker who might also enjoy... Thanks.)

The REAL TV Guide

Let’s talk television…TV plays a big role in most of our lives and it always helps to be conscious of your routines.

First off, you never wanna catch yourself being the mindless clouch plopper. These are the individuals who get home and have nothing to do for the rest of the night but aimlessly rome wherever the remote takes 'em. That’s when you know you could use a few more interests.

On the other hand, if you’re a TV virgin and claim that you’re “too busy” or don’t care for television, well that’s equally suspicious (although sometimes excusable).

Subscribing to HBO and Showtime is just like springing for premium clothing. You enjoy the finer things in life.

Meanwhile, sticking ONLY to sports and/or the news might require more branching out. Listen, I’m a big sports fan but why deprive yourself from the rest of the entertainment that's out there?

Reality shows, contests and soap operas have to be taken on a case by case basis. Some are good natured and entertaining (American Idol, Top Chef), and others are… well ... more questionable (MTV's 16 and Pregnant??).

Cartoon Comedies like South Park and Family Guy show you have a sense of humor. Always a plus.

Then of course, there are the sitcoms. You'd be surprised as to how your favorites can become ingrained in your life. For example, my buddy JB, (the Sprezz Handbook contributor) finds a woman who can “speak Seinfeld” to be the ultimate turn on.

What do your TV habits say about you?

Gotta Love That RBT

I'm sick of everybody preaching that it's the little things that kill. You know what, sometimes the little things could use a little more appreciation.

This weekend, I was goin to town on some chewy chips ahoys (clearly the best kind) and noticed the fantastic resealable bag technology, A.K.A. RBT.

What a brilliant move. Aside from keeping the munchies fresh, the upgrade also eliminates any futzin' of the bag.

We've all endured our fair share of cookie casualties. Every once and a while, you're not paying attention and slip up during the cookie tray removal/return process. Then you've got cookies flyin out of the bag and landing on the dirty floor, thus making them uneatable (unless you partake in the 5 second rule). It's never enjoyable.

Well, thanks to RBT, such mishaps are no longer a concern.

A small adjustment with a huge impact. We could all benefit from following in the cookie bag designer's footsteps. Give the people what they want... minus the headaches. That's Sprezzatura.

And speaking of headaches, check out the following link compliments of my buddy OD:
http://www.atomicpopcorn.net/the-hangover-gets-its-sequel-release-set-for-2011/

That's right, you knew it was coming!

Draggers & Keepers

My buddy Dan filled me in on his theory about relationships the other day. It all comes down to draggers and keepers.

A dragger can be a friend, business partner, potential date.... anyone that you think you have (or used to have) a connection with, but lately maintaining it feels like pulling teeth. We've all dealt with 'em and it's not so fun.

When you reach out, draggers always deflect your invite with some vague rejection. Then, if you finally make plans, they're unreliable. Draggers don't reciprocate but always kinda lead you on. They aren't very Sprezz.

But we need draggers because they're our benchmark for the keepers. Keepers are the ones that you can count on, that make you feel good about yourself, that reach out to you just because...

My roommate and I always joke about how when you're out with a group, certain individuals are "entrees" of the night's hypothetical main course. Their presence MAKES the night and you really want them around.

Then, others are more like "side dishes". These are good natured people that boost the mood... but their absence won't kill ya.

The keepers in your life will let you KNOW that you're an entree. With that said, take a second and think while you're hanging out with your friends this weekend:

... Are you a dragger or a keeper?

The Rules on Sunglasses

Yesterday, I made the post-work gym move. It had been a really long day and after bangin' out a quick session I was shot. So exhausted, in fact, that I stamped the ultimate "back up, mind ya business!" symbol on my forehead. That's right, I threw on my sunglasses en route to the subway.

Then it hit me. Was I being "that guy"?

The way I see it, there are different stages of sunglasses statements. Allow me to break it down for ya from Sprezz to Spazz...

To begin with, if it's a sunny day, then it's not only acceptable but highly encouraged to rock some shades. Have you no style, man?

Now if it's cloudy, traditional society frowns on the shade wearer but I say if you're outdoors then feel free to do your thing. I won't judge.

As previously discussed, if you're on a train/subway/plane and wearing sunglasses, then you're starting to walk on thin ice. Rock 'em with pride and you'll be alright. Sometimes you just need your space.

The commute to and from your office becomes a little more tricky. If you wear shades while entering the building, I'll give you the green light. For all we know, your hands could've been all tied up carrying coffee, your bag, etc. If you need to wait until you plop down onto your desk before removal, then so be it.

However, when you're LEAVING the building, well that's another story. Ease up on that A-list swagger around the cubicle, Vinny Chase, and wait until you're getting out of the elevator to put on the ol' eye protectors.

Indoor sports arenas? Not unless your Jack.

Finally, every once and while, you'll run into a sunglasses wearer lurking around at a night club. I'm sorry, but that's just Spazz territory all the way.

... And so there you have it. Make sure to take advantage the rest of the summer as you should now be armed with a keen awareness of your statements and surroundings. That's Sprezzatura.

Sprezz Updates

Few quick notes:

1. Lots of new subscribers lately... Thanks for spreading the word.

2. Subscribers can rate posts (click the stars at the bottom of the e-mail).

3. New section on the way - 7 sprezzin' songs of the month.

Thanks For Being So Clutch, Jen!

Sprezz editor, Pilar D'Agnese, recently gave me the OK to post one celebrity gossip post per year without turning into a huge dorkus malorkus (the most irritating species of nerd). It's in good merit, I promise. Thanks for bearing with me.

Keep in mind that aside from catchin' a little E! here and there (yea, I admit it), I'm not much for celeb drama, but it's impossible to avoid gossip mags at the supermarket and CVS. They know just how to grab your attention and lately I keep noticing the same front page theme...

"Jennifer Aniston gets played!"

What the hell is going on here? Sure, you can argue that a breach of privacy comes with the celebrity package, but damn... Enough is enough. This girl's taken some serious abuse.

As a normal person, I get sick and tired of Facebook's effect on everyone's social lives. "Who's he/she with in that pic? Relationship status change?? Why is that clown posting on her wall?!"

I can't imagine a life where there's a play-by-play tabloid report every time that I meet someone for coffee!

We all know about Brad. Then, there was John Mayer. Now, Jen's apparently getting passed up by another Brad...

Most people would flee to a secluded island after taking such public humiliation. But not Jen. She's a true example of resilience. Just when you think that the girl can't possibly take anymore, she bounces back onto the scene and does her thing. I've never seen a late night show appearance where Jen wasn't completely poised and confident.

My old man once told me, "Son, you've gotta be on the dance floor if u wanna get laid."

Well, keep dancing, Jen... I've got ya back. Thanks for being so clutch.

(If you liked today's post, show some love and share the link with one friend/coworker who might also enjoy. Thanks)

The Ride Guide

It's summer time, when people enjoy taking trips and trying new experiences. We love to get away. However, you've gotta tough out the traveling in order to reach your destination . I spent almost 10 hours on a bus this weekend. Not exactly my ideal situation but hey, you do what you gotta do, and you make the best of it.

If flying first class isn't an option (and you're traveling alone) here's a quick guide for your next long ride:

As always, your seat selection plays a pivotal role in determining your comfort and happiness.

Stop wasting time and snatch the aisle seat. The window's for chumps. Sure, the view's better, but then you have to bug your neighbor every time you want to stretch your legs or use the restroom.

Once you've secured the prime real estate, it's lottery time.

This is just like the mating process. On boarding passengers scope out the room and begin sizing up their options. "Can I deal with this guy for the next 5 hours? That's a creepy tattoo. Is he gonna be a problem?"

Meanwhile, you should place your bag on the window seat to mark your territory. Then throw on a pair of sunglasses, headphones, and bust out your most convincing fake sleeping act to fend off the oncoming traffic. The goal, of course, is to hit the jackpot double seater. Unfortunately, while we all take the gamble, success is rare. Eventually, somebody will probably ask if they can squeeze in.

Now just cross your fingers that you don't get stuck with a sloppy sandwich eater, a snowball, a smelly snowball, a crying baby, a sleepy shoulder slumper, an overly loud headphone listener, a shoe remover, a cell phone chatter, or a snorer. Good luck.

Initiating conversation... Well, that's your call. Personally, I've met some awesome people over the years and it really helps to pass the time. Besides, if you want to abort all of the chitchat, you can always pull a quick dip to the bathroom. Then, on your return, revert to the magazine move or take the the iPod/sleeping route. They'll get the point.

Finally, it's assumed that you've brought the traditional arsenal which consists of music, magazines and candy. You should be all set.

Enjoy the ride and stay sprezzin'...

(If you liked today's post, show some love and share the link with one friend/coworker who might also enjoy. Thanks)

Chill with The VM!

I’m not a ranter. I try not to, at least. It usually comes off as too angry in tone and I prefer leaving that to Dr. Bob. So today I’m going to enlighten, not complain, about something that’s been on my mind and needs to be addressed.

Here it is:
Voice mail… should be used… sparingly.

If you have an urgent message that you absolutely need to get across, then fine, I’ll give you that. You can leave a VM. But otherwise, why bother?

A text message is the way to go. It’s quick, simple, and communicates just as effectively. Who wants to deal with the whole process of the automated voice ordering you around to log in your password?

Then you have to scroll through one message after another...Only to run into pivotal moments of decision time. Do you delete? What if for some reason you need to retrace? Should it be saved?

Finally, after you’ve made up your mind, you have "Robocop" reminding you about expiring messages. These need to be addressed ASAP. It like you've been assigned homework!

Besides, I don’t need a voice mail explaining, “Hey Steve, it’s me… Give me a call when you get this." (Note: As Seinfeld pointed out, people never refer to themselves using their name. I’m on an “it's me basis” with everyone.)

Trust me, this can easily be avoided. Let me assure you that all it takes is a missed call indicator…. And I’ll get back to you.

Then, of course, there’s the fake out aspect. When I receive a voice mail on my blackberry, it shows the same icon as if it were a text message- which happens to be much more exciting.

I always wonder, has the day arrived in which some old friend whom I haven’t spoken to in years but still randomly think about and hope that one day our paths shall once again cross, finally reached out?

...Nope. It’s just a voice mail from my grandma.

In her defense, she doesn't know how to text (bless your soul Phyllis Rubin. Same to you, Lois!). As for everyone else out there... Lay off the VM. That's Sprezzatura.


(If you liked today's post, show some love and share the link with one friend/coworker who might also enjoy. Thanks.)

Traffic Sitting Not Your Style?

Thanks to Dan R for the following link on a new car... that can fly!
Check out the article: click here





(picture from link)



They're expected to hit the skies by 2011 and will run ya about $200,000. This bad boy's wings even fold up (in just 30 seconds) to fit inside of your garage!

Whats Up with Public Enemies?

This weekend, I saw Public Enemies and as promised, I'll share my thoughts. Am I an expert? Absolutely not. But sometimes it’s nice to have an “average guy” help you out if you’re on the fence about dropping your $12.

For a technical and in depth review, read the NY Times. I'm just gonna keep it real...

I was pumped for this one. When Johnny Depp signs off on a project, you know that it's gonna be legit. The problem is that usually he sticks to movies that are "out there" like Pirates or Charlie and Chocolate Factory. So it was exciting to hear that he'd be playing a bad ass bank robber.

As expected, Depp killed the role... Nailed it! The movie is worth seeing for his charisma alone. Then you've got Christian Bale in the lineup, all of which is being puppet mastered by Michael Mann (Heat).

If you saw Heat then you know what to expect because PE is the same deal. Tons of gun fights (not too gory), a couple of classic quotes and a wild ride that lasts a little too long. By the end of the movie, you're exhausted.

Consider my rating system for a movie’s desirability:

- Don’t waste your time
- Don’t waste your money (wait until it’s released on TV)
- Mid week movie
- Friday night flick
- Saturday night extravaganza

Public Enemies is a Saturday night extravaganza. It's not a 5 star home run, but everyone's gonna be talking about it and you don't want to miss out. That wouldn't be very Sprezz.

The GBS

I'm not sure what's been in the air lately, but a lot of my friends have been dealing with breakups. The event's always stressful and when you see your friend in pain, you want to make them feel better.

Some people claim that only time heals, but I always think back to The GBS which proves otherwise...

About a year ago, my good friend Jim had just broken up with his girl. Since it usually hurts the worst at night, I knew that he had to get out of the apartment and set up plans for us and our friend Mike to meet some ladies in the city.

"Thanks Steve. You really hooked it up tonight", Jim said, expressing his appreciation.
"Don't you worry, Jim-Bo. That's just what I do", I shot back.

So we got ready, threw back a few shots to kick off the night and headed into the city.

From a distance, the bar we were meeting the girls at looked classy. I was a little concerned that Mike might not get in because he was wearing sandals but when we walked up the bouncer appeared to be in a great mood. He greeted us with a friendly smile and ushered us inside without a problem.

"We must be radiating those winners vibes tonight", I thought.

Then I scanned the environment for our girls. I had a hard time finding them. As a matter of fact, I didn't see ANY girls. The entire place was littered with dudes.

"Wait a sec, what the..."

Suddenly, I received a call from the target demographic. They told us to head to the back while confirming that they were with their homosexual boss for the night. This was a gay bar.

Immediately after, from the corner of my eyes, I could feel Jim and Mike staring me down like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, "You moddafucka, you".

Can't make this stuff up.

Fortunately, they showed some Sprezz and kept their cool. The next day Jim and I were even joking that Mike had seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much. But hey, that's the point- my friend was now laughing instead of sulking. Apparently, just being taken out of his reality helped to clear his head.

What can I say? It was all part of the plan... That's the Gay Bar Story.

June's Sprezz of the Month

With another month in the books, it’s time to give the honors. It’s time for the Sprezz/Spazz of June.

There’s been a lot of Spazz action. To kick things off, we had Mark Sanford, the governor of SC, who mysteriously took off for a week without informing his staff. Turns out that he was having an affair. Check out an e-mail he had sent to his lover on the side:

“You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself… in the faded glow of the night’s light – but hey, that would be going into sexual details.” (from the Washington Post)

Pretty smooth….. But not smooth enough to avoid getting busted.

Some runners up included Michael Jackson’s doctor and Jon Gosselin. While it’s hard to tell exactly what went on with Jackson (celebrity cases are always shady), all signs point to the fact that he was up to no good.

Then you had Gosselin who milked up the courageousness of having 8 children with his wife, Kate, on a hit reality TV show… and then took a page out of Sanford’s book by getting nailed for having an affair.

On the other hand, there was some justice as judge Denny Chin’s sentence of 150 years basically stuck a fork in Bernie Madoff. I’m not sure if that’s Sprezz – real dicey topic but it was a significant event.

Unquestionably, the Sprezz of the month goes to The Hangover. Unbelievable movie. Anywhere you went, everyone you talked to, people were raving… and for good reason. In a month filled with the passing away of major celebrities and relentless, depressing rain, this movie took us out of our world and provided 100 minutes of nonstop smiles and laughs…. That’s Sprezzatura.

(If you liked today's post, show some love and share the link with one friend/coworker who might also enjoy. Thanks.)

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