Fear vs. Primetime! (One for the Ages)

(This is the story of a heated rivalry between my old man and one of my college buddies. It requires 2-3 minutes of your attention so set aside the time for when you can focus.)

Hey Sprezz reader, can you predict the future?

I can't (nor can anyone that I know) and yet every year about 40 of my friends and my dad try to anyway. We're in a league where you're supposed to predetermine which football team will win each game throughout the season.

Do you know anyone that competes in a triathlon? There's usually something about the challenge's longevity that attracts them. Well, all of that physical exertion is way too demanding for us and so this is OUR triathlon. Trust me, it's a true test of mental endurance.

In honor of my Alma Mater (what's up UMD), my dad goes by the alias "Fear The Turtle" and he has developed quite a track record. He's either won or come in second place 3 of the past 4 years. Such an achievement is no simple task in this competitive league.

First, let me paint you a picture regarding my old man. He's quite a character. Picture the personality and mannerisms of DeNiro, crossed with the looks of Tony LaRussa (Click the links, the pictures NAIL it!).

That's him.

Now consider his habits. Every week, he saves all these different sports articles for further review. The way he treats them, you would think it was material reserved for the CIA! He thinks he's so slick (like I don't know that he hides it in his upstairs office).

Still, as much as I love busting his chops, the results speak for themselves. Somehow, some way, the man picks winners.

This year, he started off slow and steady as usual. Then with the passing of time, 'Fear The Turtle' began to pull ahead. Incidentally, this brewed a rivalry with "Primetime", my friend Scott Fink, as the pair separated themselves from the pack.

You may recall the name Scott Fink from when my roommate called him out in a comment back during the Pizza Test. In case you missed it:

"Amster said...

I had Pizza with Scott Fink last weekend at the end of a Friday night. The pizza place was known for special slices particularly the artichoke slice. Rather than ordering the special slice he ordered a plain slice of pizza. He made his girlfriend order the special slice so he could just "try" it. He only ate half of the plain and made our other friend who was driving the car finish it.......total failure."

Haha it's all love Fink. Besides, what Scotty boy lacked at the Pizza parlor, he made up for last season with his football instincts. He was like Matt Damon in Rounders, "Hanging around, hanging around... Kid's got alligator blood. Can't get rid of him".

Week after week, "Fear" and "Primetime" kept exchanging first and second place. They were like George Foreman and Joe Frazier duking it out back in the day.

The best parts were the verbal jabs. It got to the point where any time we were on the phone, my dad would remind me, "Hey when you see your boy "Primetime", you make sure and let him know that he can't hang with the turtle!"

(Note: If you've ever seen The Departed, there's a scene where a man mocks Leonard DiCaprio's character for ordering a cranberry juice at a bar. He's like, "Huh? You ordered a "cranberry juice?" Just the way he says it insinuates "girly man...". Well that's exactly how my dad verbalized "Primetime"- using the "girly man..." tone.)

Staying true to his word, "Fear" pulled ahead as the final week arrived. If all went according to plan, he would finish as the undisputed champion. Keep in mind that the prize money's nice but in this competition ego is EVERYTHING!

Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to squash his foe, my dad locked himself up in his office. I've never seen a man so focused!

He poured through his research and statistics for days before finally entering his predictions. However, this time he didn't seem like himself. It was obvious that he had over thought the scenarios.

Later that night came the moment of truth. Well, are you ready for the outcome?

Fink had caught up with him ("Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!"), and after a whole season of hard work and talking smack, there was no clear cut winner. They both had to swallow an extremely unsatisfying TIE!

Right then and there my dad was reminded that sometimes you can get yourself into trouble when you over speculate every detail. Gotta stay sprezzin' and stay simple.

As for what lies ahead, I already mentioned that I can't predict the future. Still, if I had to guess, I'd say he'll be back and with a vengeance. You can count on that.

So until next season, Fear The Turtle...

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